An Overview

Since my sweet daughter Sunny chose to blog today about the changes that take place between ages 20 and 50, I suppose it's my job to blog about the changes between ages 50 and 73. Your appetite remains the same. Everything else changes, no exceptions.

Where to Start

Petal: Hello, Ardelia? Of course it is. I’m calling to tell you that my granddaughter Daisy had her baby yesterday, and named her after herself. I love her name, but they’ll have to find a nickname for her or there will be some confusion there.

Ardelia: That’s wonderful. I sure wish we’d have a baby in our family. There’s just nothing like holding one, is there?

Petal: Absolutely nothing. Well, how are you? Anything new?

Ardelia: Well, where to start? I was going to tell you about Big Pearl’s first haircut. The before and after pics are pretty shocking. Then there’s the news about my body’s latest idea of a joke. I slipped on a teensy piece of ice, caught myself before I could fall, and put it out of my mind. About 36 hours later, all the muscles on the right side of my back gathered together to punch me as hard as they could, causing my knee to buckle, and forcing me to scream and holler for about an hour, or until some medicine kicked in. I would tell you what medicine, but since I took everything in the house it would just be a guess.

Petal: Oh, my word, dear. Did you go to the doctor? Taking everything in the house might not be the best approach. I hope you had help.

Ardelia: Yes, my grandson Boo was home. He came running upstairs to check on me, never having heard me shriek and scream like someone in a sci-fi movie. I’m not sure if he had ever seen someone in that kind of pain before, but we were both pretty pale for a little while there. He actually saved what was left of my sanity. He’s very calm and patient, and allowed me to scream right in his face without cracking.

Petal: Are you alright now, dear? What did the doctor say? Surely they will want to do tests or something. Remember that I’ve had two back surgeries & countless tests & x-rays.

Ardelia: Well, I finally called the doc today. I was completely symptom-free for two days, assumed that I was well, and took the family to supper to celebrate last night. On the way home, my diabolical back sent me a mighty warning, and by the time I got home it had me on my knees. I crawled to my chair, sincerely wishing that I hadn’t moved all those huge plastic containers in the basement, and had skipped the four or five trips to the basement to do laundry. I was on my knees in front of my chair when I heard this powerful voice say, “I am your body, I am your captain, I decide what will hurt and when, and don’t ever forget it again!”

Petal: You must have been terrified! What did you do?

Ardelia: I think I just said, “Yes, maam”.

Happy (Hungry) New Year!

Petal: I’m going to do exactly the same things I did in the old year. They worked out very well for me, and I see no reason to improve on anything. I’m retired, so I retire. Anyone who objects can take me to court.

Ardelia: I’m so proud of you, Petal. You’re my new role model. As soon as we’re through talking, I am going to tell Big Pearl who is going to be boss around here this year, and I’m going to tell Sunny that I’m going to eat a carload of carbs, and I’m going to tell Boo that he is going to have to do all the housework this year while I knit. Oh Lord, we’re still on the phone and I already know that none of that is going to work. I am looking forward to our road trip to Texas in March to see Leonardo and Learnada.

Petal: I can’t wait, dear. I absolutely can’t wait. Ardelia, just relax and have a wonderful new year.

Ardelia: You know me. I’m never having my best times relaxing, but I’ll really try, Petal. Right now I’m going to try to break the news to Big Pearl that I’m going out dancing tonight. My love to Lilac and Lavender, and a very happy new year to all of you. I’m glad we got that resolution thing cleared up. Good-bye dear.

Petal: Happy new year to us, and many more.

Ardelia's Woes

Well, my loves, I am stepping away from my usual format for a personal Ardelia update. Soooo, it started a week ago when I underwent surgery. Trust me when I say that you don’t want to know anything about it. It’s enough to say that patients are expected to walk like ducks for six weeks after surgery. Soooooo, I was seven days post-op when two of my favorite teeth held hands, and dove out of my mouth. (I was eating shredded wheat at the time, a word to the wise.)

I’ll spare you the whining and begging that it takes to get in to see a dentist on the same day that your teeth break off, even if the remains are hanging there, waving in the breeze. I did, however, finally get in to have the remnants carved from my mouth, along with the root of another tooth that I had ignored for some time.

I do not know how to tell you how I felt that night when my darling daughter stopped over with her long-suffering hubby Ray to cheer and support me, and I told poor sweet and dear Sunny to shut up, seventeen times! I wouldn’t even let them kiss or hug me because everything, EVERYTHING I do causes me to leak somewhere, suffer, spit blood, wet my pants, cry, have gas, or in some cases causes my car to break down. Apparently it’s also causing me to sound like Erma Bombeck. For those of you too young to remember her, she sounds like me. You may think that I sound a little cross, but that isn’t even a percentage of it.

I believe I’ll call Petal this week, after I’ve mellowed out a bit, and whine and swear like a sailor, and she will understand. Everyone here in gentle South Dakota gets that “deer in the headlights” look when I rave. My grandson, who lives downstairs, and thus suffers a lot of collateral damage, has simply disappeared. My great neighbors bring wonderful food, no doubt motivated by fear. Thank you for listening.

Big Pearl Pulls Ahead

Ardelia: Hello Petal, I was hoping you would call this week. The voice of sanity in the midst of chaos, that’s what I needed….

Petal: Ardelia, dear. What’s happened? Can I help?

Ardelia: I’m afraid it’s too late, Petal. My adorable pup, Big Pearl, had her surgery (neutralization) last week. I’m afraid that she’s milking it for all it’s worth. I’m just exhausted, frankly.

Petal: What in the world has she done to you, dear? Doesn’t she know that you adore her?

Ardelia: I’m afraid she does, Petal. Right now she is growling at me. She wants me to bring water to her in a nice bowl. I’m supposed to hold the bowl while she drinks. I sense insanity even while I obey her orders. My dear daughter Sunny visited Friday, and suggested that Big Pearl would be running the house by next week. Unfortunately my grandson Boo, who lives downstairs with his enormous dog Bruno, is also ill, so I’ve been cooking and pushing appropriate cures, and trying to fill Big Pearl’s requests as fast as I interpret them, because it gets ugly if you make mistakes.

Petal: I’m so sorry you have to go through this, Ardelia. Could I just suggest to you that you outweigh Big Pearl by quite a bit? Last I heard, BP only weighed 17 pounds. It just seems to me that, all things considered, you should be in charge. What’s your take on that, dear?

Ardelia: My God, Petal. When you put it that way, it sounds so silly doesn’t it? I’m 72 or 73 years old, and fairly bright, (and fairly big). There should be no doubt who is supposed to be the captain of this ship, the leader of this pack, the soloist in this choir, the winner of this contest, or the star of this show. I am a little tired of being dictated to by a 17# schnoodle with long black curls and a killer-cute face. I have to take a page from Hurok Ohamba’s book, and step up to leadership. Oh, Petal, I have to go. Big Pearl wants a treat. If I don’t get it right away, she will refuse it, and there will be hell to pay. I’ll call you later, dear.

Petal: Good luck. I’ll be praying for you, Boo, Bruno, and Big Pearl. In the meantime, you might want to seek professional help, dear. But for now, let’s eat decadent chocolate, as much and as fast as we can. I’ll be with you on that. Goodnight, dear.

Day After the Debate

Ardelia: Hello, Petal? I had to call and see what you thought about the debate last night. Were you impressed with either one?

Petal: Well Ardelia, I have been disappointed after every debate, and this one was no exception. I did get pretty tired of hearing about “Joe, the Plumber”, but other than that it seemed like business as usual.

Ardelia: I felt the same way. I’ll sure be glad when this is over. The economy is starting to get on my nerves. I do think that Hurok Ohamba had a stronger, more controlled presence that John McPain. Senator McPain seemed a trifle frantic, I thought. Oh well, the season of spoken promises is always followed by the season of broken promises. We’ve seen a lot of that in our lives, haven’t we?

Petal: Yes dear, even in things non-political. You sound a little depressed today, Ardelia. Is it this political merry-go-round, or winter coming? You know how you are when the frosts come, and gardening is over. Do you think that’s it?

Ardelia: As Sarah Playland says, “You betcha”. I hate seeing the garden go. I love the seasons, and autumn is beautiful, but there’s nothing like Spring in the frozen north. My beautiful garden is starting to look pretty sad, and will be gone in another week. Sunny says that they have “Suicide Prevention” parties here in the winter because it drags on so long. Let’s make something to eat.

Petal: How abut oatmeal cookies? They’re so healthy. Even Sunny would have to admit that.

Ardelia: I seriously doubt that. Sunny knows how many Weight Watchers points there are in everything that tastes good. Shall we put chocolate chips in them, and raisins? What if we frosted them with sour cream frosting? How could that be bad?

Petal: Can you have yours ready to bake at three o’clock? At least we won’t have to watch another debate tonight. Cookies and milk just sound wonderful. Hot chocolate would be better, however.

Ardelia. Three o’clock it is. Tonight is “Dancing With the Starts”;
so it will be cookies, hot chocolate, no dang debate, and no more promises. I’ll feel better when OHamba is president, and he can admit that he can’t fix every bleating thing, and we can just get to work to fix what we can. I’ll be thinking of you when those cookies come out of the oven, and looking forward to my visit with you in the spring in the deep south. Good-bye for now, dear.

Autumn conversation

Today we find Ardelia and Petal in their respective homes, Petal in the deep south, and Ardelia in Fargo of the frozen north. The two ladies are adjusting to their retirement homes, after sharing a home in the midlands for 18 years. We catch them on the phone this morning, reminiscing about the old days.

Petal: Do you remember the old days when we would just eat pie for dinner? We would call is shepherd’s pie, when it was really chocolate fudge crunch. I miss those days, dear.

Ardelia: Remember when we would go to the casino with my old boyfriend Bubba, and then tell our children that we were at our Tai Chi class? I miss those days, but I sure don’t miss getting up to go to work in the morning. Now the only thing I fib about is what time I got up today.

Petal: Some days I barely wake up all day, and I don’t feel a bit guilty about it. I like to wake up and read long enough to read myself to sleep. Retirement should be whatever each of us dreamt about all those years that we drug ourselves to work through the snow, rain, and cold.

Ardelia: I’m still surprised every day that I can do as much or as little as I want. Some days are writing days, some knitting days, some socializing days, and all of them are mine. How is Violet doing, and is Lavender adjusting to college?

Petal: Everyone is doing well. How do you feel about the political campaign, dear? Isn’t tonight another debate or something?

Ardelia: Well Petal, here’s how I feel about that. I’ve always been a tree-hugging liberal, but my biggest concern is that we get as far away from what we have now as possible. The country is swirling round and round, closer and closer to the drain. Change had better be right around the corner, as in Hurok Ohamba. I know I’ll be sporting his bumper sticker.

Petal: Oh Lord, Ardelia, I hope you’re sitting down. I just saw a news flash that Madonna is getting a divorce. I know it’s true because it was running along the bottom of the TV screen, and it had exclamation points.

Ardelia: Good grief ! You just can’t count on anything. Maybe we should make one of those divorce cakes we used to make. You know, the German chocolate one that we poked all the holes in, and filled them with Eagle Brand milk, and caramel iced cream topping. Then we sprinkled powdered sugar on it. Oh my goddesses, I’m starving.

Petal: I believe that I have everything here to make one. Let’s put them in the oven at exactly eleven o’clock. Does that work for you? I’m glad there’s no time difference between the deep south and the frozen north. We’ll have a great treat to eat during the presidential debate, dear.

Ardelia: It may be the only good thing about the debate, Petal. Call me tomorrow and tell me what you think, ok?

Petal: About the cake or the debate?

Ardelia: I sure miss you, dear.